29.4.07

Thoughts



So far blogging stuff has been a really enjoyable passtime, it's easy to write and show stuff when life's plodding along quite nicely. It's hard however to know weather to reveal more personal stuff to the blog world especially emotional hardships. This is for me though and it would be fake not to include what's going on. I've had a trying couple of weeks, my Mum had a cancerous lump removed from her leg, it wasn't really a big deal but then things started to get a bit complicated. The specialist didn't know what kind of Cancer it was and started talking about another operation. Mum's waiting results from more blood tests and a chest x-ray. She's very positive and as a born again Christian she veiws this as a test and is kind of embracing it. I've tried not to dwell on it but I'm a bit of a secret pessimist and it feels very strange to be positive about scary stuff. Then if that wasn't bad enough she started having blackness in her vision, Arraaaahhh BRAIN TUMOR the pessimist screamed. Luckily Mum got it checked out straight away, it was something fairly common but potentialy resulting in blindness, detatched retina maybe? I forget, it's a bit of a blur. NOT A BRAIN TUMOR that's all I heard.
So with all that going on I havn't had a lot of sleep, how could I cope without Mum? The teenager has thrived on my snappy moods enjoying the short temper as an oppourtunity to argue all the injustices he has to face, I think he has a built in radar to notice weakness or PMS, cos we always end up fighting if I'm not on top of the game. The small children havn't benifited from many quality conversations either.
The volunteer job I do has become a chore and the main focus for my anger, why should I do this when my family needs me? Not very nice mind speak resulting in headaches and more crabby thoughts. A bit of a vicious circle. I'm trying to look at it all as my own test and though I don't like to compare, it's sometimes helpful for getting things into perspective. My life would be down right boring without a few hiccups and a bit of drama thrown in for good measure. With that off my chest I'm feeling a bit better.

4 comments:

melissa vB said...

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Melissa vB said...

Woops,! always very scary when someone close to you has something not right. Especially a Mum. I don't know what I would do without mine! I'm glad sharing helped shift your mood if even momentarily! Beautiful photography!

andsewtosleep said...

Hold on tight. It's so easy to think the worse when it's someone so precious. My own Mother had a year of ill health and we were told we would lose her on three occassions. I never thought I could sink so far down. The reason I share is because she says it was her children's love that brought her back. I sense a lot of that in your post. So be brave and believe. Thinking of you. Mary x

melissa said...

oh, i'm sorry your mum's not well and you've been having a worrying time. so glad the blogging helped you feel a bit better, sometimes just having a place to put it out there can lift a big weight from your shoulders.
take care,
m xx